


You Are A Memory

by NikkiB1973



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Skywalker Family Drama (Star Wars), Time Loop, Time Skips, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27192025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikkiB1973/pseuds/NikkiB1973
Summary: There is something wrong with Ben Solo...set near the end of The Force Awakens.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 34
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

** You Are A Memory **

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

**_A/N-set at the end of The Force Awakens…something is wrong with Ben Solo._ **

_I was calling_

_For the last time_

_We've been here before_

_Lyrics to You Are A Memory by Message to Bears._

** Chapter One-Confusion **

"Supreme Leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance." Kylo tried to hide his dismay at the words coming from his mouth as he looked up at the giant holographic image of Snoke. He sounded like an actor quoting lines from a well-rehearsed play. He felt like he had said them many times before and was sure he could predict his master’s response.

"If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me." Snoke commanded right on cue.

Kylo was totally unnerved when his prediction came true. He blamed his encounter with the scavenger. Stunned by the reversal-where the girl had turned the mental probing around on him, using the Force within herself to see that Kylo himself was afraid—afraid that he would never be as strong as Darth Vader was, had totally unbalanced him. He had left the interrogation feeling stunned and had sought his master’s advice, who had reacted with incredulity that a mere scavenger had been able to resist him. With renewed resolve, Kylo was on his way back to the scavenger’s holding cell, only to be informed that the girl had somehow broken out. The guard who had been ordered to watch her could not fathom how he ended up in his quarters.

Disbelieving of the guard’s weak explanation, Kylo returned to the holding cell, determined to find out if the girl had had truly used her emerging Force abilities to escape. Inspection revealed the interrogation bench was deserted, every one of its restraints left open as if to mock him. Enraged that the scavenger girl had managed to escape, he ignited his lightsaber in readiness to take out his anger and frustration on the inanimate objects in the interrogation room, but something inside made him pause. The same feeling of déjà vu that had overcome him when conversing with Snoke, overwhelmed him now. It was like he had done all this before, like he was following a well-worn path to nowhere. He switched off his saber and stared bleakly at his weapon as he reflected on the feeling.

Thinking back, it had all started when he first encountered the scavenger on Takodana. As soon as he had set eyes on her he had felt a vague sense of familiarity wash over him. There had been no recognition in her eyes like there had in his. Just seconds before he had spoken to her he knew that this had happened before and he could predict her next move only a millisecond before it happened. Feeling more unsettled than ever Kylo left the interrogation room, leaving it intact. As he left, he came across two passing stormtroopers and ordered them to be on the alert for the scavenger girl, compelling them to spread the word to the other First Order troops.

“When she’s found I want her brought to me unharmed. Is that clear?” Kylo demanded.

The stormtroopers quickly left to carry out his orders. None of them wanted to be on the receiving end of his wrath if the scavenger wasn’t found in record time. He began making his way through the base, knowing that the longer she was able to tap into her powers while escaping, the more dangerous she would become. As he moved swiftly through the base on his own personal hunt for the girl, another trooper reported sensor readings in Hangar 718, which meant the scavenger could be there. But investigations turned up nothing, increasing Kylo’s sense of frustration. He ordered every hangar on lockdown to prevent the girl from commandeering a ship. As he was in the midst of making that order, he sensed another presence that rocked him to his very core: Han Solo.

His father was on Starkiller base.

* * *

Kylo ordered for a search for the Millennium Falcon, his father’s ship had been sighted teetering at the edge of a cliff. By the time he arrived on the scene, everything checked clear and not a single hidden trap could be found. Walking into the Falcon was like walking straight into the past. There was no way that he wouldn’t be affected. Nothing had changed. Everything was eerily familiar. He sat in the pilot’s seat, his heart throbbing from the blood pumping around his system, and lost all sense of reality. Something clicked inside his head. It was in the brisk temperature of the cockpit coming from outside, his father’s lucky dice swinging in front of him, the emotions swelling inside of him-especially in his heart.

His mind sang, "You know this! You've been here before, felt this before!" It couldn't be; this was the first time he had set foot in the Falcon since he was a child. But the ache of familiarity was so powerful, Kylo began second-guessing those simple facts. The world felt like his earliest memory, like a dream half-remembered. He had the queerest feeling that he’d lived through this moment before...

Just then, he spotted Resistance X-wings flying past and assaulting the thermal oscillator, hoping to destroy it and set off a chain reaction that would cause the planet to implode before the weapon could destroy D'Qar, and the moment ended, and so did the odd feeling. Shaking his head to clear it, Kylo quickly left the Falcon and his past behind.

* * *

Kylo rushed back to the oscillator, commanding his troops to find the intruders. He knew Solo had to be nearby, as well as the fact that he did not come alone. As Kylo advanced along the walkway he heard the sound of his father’s voice, calling out to him from behind, using his birth name. He froze mid-step, a slight shudder rippling through his body, the same feeling of déjà vu chilling him to the bone. He slowly turned around to face his father.

“Han Solo, I’ve been waiting for this day for- “

Kylo paused, he somehow knew this had happened before…. he was living in a moment that had already been lived. Everything was familiar in his eyes. Then in that fleeting moment of familiarity, all that might have been lived before deemed itself brand new. He saw Han Solo looking at him in concern, his face set in a serious frown.

“Ben.” Han said again, his voice reverberating like it was in an echo chamber. “Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

Feeling uneasy, Kylo activated the mechanism in his mask and pulled it off his head, revealing his true face to his father for the first time in years. He heard Han’s sharp intake of breath as he dropped the mask carelessly onto the walkway beside him with a dull thud. They stared at each for a moment before Kylo opened his mouth to speak. “Your son is gone. He was weak and…” He stopped and shook his head as confusion set in. He had said all this before, hadn’t he?

“Ben.” Han Solo took a step toward him, his tone full of concern. “Are you alright?”

Kylo shook his head again, the midnight strands of his hair falling into his eyes. He brushed them away angrily as he attempted to regain his composure. “Your son is gone.” He repeated again. “He was weak and foolish like his father. So, I destroyed him.”

“That’s what Snoke wants you to believe. But its not true. My son is alive.” Han said forcefully.

“No. The Supreme Leader is wise.”

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants he’ll…”

“Crush you.” Kylo mumbled as he finished his father’s sentence for him. He was on the very brink of knowing all it is possible to know, but the barrier of impending doom held it at bay. “It’s too late.” He said thickly.

“No, it’s not.” Han insisted, drawing closer. “Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”

Kylo’s chin quivered slightly as he met his father’s compassionate gaze. “I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain. I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I….” He paused, failing to finish what he was going to say.

“Ben.” Han prompted him. He was so close now. Only a few feet separating him from his only child.

“Will…will you help me?” Kylo pleaded through trembling lips.

“Yes. Anything.” Han promised.

For the briefest of moments, Kylo knew precisely what was to occur, yet could never be certain until the event. Who was he? What had he done? Had he been born into the land of forgetfulness? “Dad?” He said in despair, sounding younger than his years. He swayed on his feet. His head felt heavy. He was confused. So very confused.

Han quickly reached out to him, steadying his son on the walkway before he plunged off the edge. “Lean on me. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” He promised.

“Somethings wrong.” Kylo held onto his father for support, his vision clouding over. “Something- “ He cast his gaze upwards and saw the defected stormtrooper FN-1827 standing on a platform high above the oscillator and right beside him was the scavenger girl-Rey.

Her name began to echo around his head on a loop- _Rey, Rey, Rey_ , _Rey_ -getting louder and louder with each revolution until it was practically being screamed at him. It took him a minute to realise it was his own voice in his head. He stared up at her and she stared right back, her hazel eyes registering confusion at the intensity of his gaze. His vision began to swim and he would have collapsed on the walkway if not for Han holding him up….

_Desperation to reach her overwhelmed Ben as the rock fell away beneath his feet. He knew there was a ledge, otherwise he’d be falling, but he couldn’t see it at all. If he turned his head too far, he would unbalance and the drop was further than he could see. Already the adrenaline coursing unchecked, urging him to do what his body was telling him he could not. His body was broken and bruised, his ankle twisted, every muscle on fire when he moved, but he had to get to her. He reached out with the Force but couldn’t feel her and his panic turned to despair. There were hand holds here, he knew it. He just had to think back to his training. He would climb out of this pit, he would-_

…. Kylo’s vision cleared to find his father standing in front of him, looking at him worriedly. What was going on? He didn’t understand. The familiar sense of déjà vu washed over him. He was on the very brink of knowing all it was possible to know, but the barrier of impending doom held it at bay. He was already forgetting…

“Dad, will you help me?” He pleaded thickly.

“Yes.” Han said gruffly as his worry deepened. He could see there was something very wrong with Ben Solo, something very wrong indeed.

**_A/N-thanks for reading!_ **


	2. Desperation

** You Are A Memory **

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

**_A/N-thank you very much for reading and reviewing the last chapter._ **

** Chapter Two-Desperation **

_After finally returning to the surface, Ben took Rey’s lifeless body in his arms and, realising she was dead, began to despair. This couldn’t be happening. They were supposed to have fought Sidious together. They were a dyad in the Force. Stronger together than alone. The power of their bond equivalent to life itself. The pain of Rey’s loss that had initially burned like fire now faded away to an icy numbness as he realised what he needed to do. Black filled the edges of his vision and the only thing he could hear was his own heartbeat. Ben’s breaths came in ragged, shallow gasps as he closed his eyes, stemming the tide of his tears as he placed his hand on Rey’s abdomen, reaching out through the Force for a sign that any of her life essence remained. He couldn’t let himself believe that she had gone completely. She was so much stronger than that. Ben knew that he wasn’t going to get any help from the Jedi. They had used Rey, just like they had used him-powering her up like a battery, using her body as vessel to harness their collective power to destroy Sidious. In doing so, they had destroyed Rey, too. He was determined that Exegol wasn’t going to be where her story ended. He was ready to sacrifice himself to bring her back._

_Recalling the way, she had used the Force to heal him on Kef Bir, Ben applied the same technique on Rey, willing her to return to life. He took the life energy that she had given to him and returned it to its original source along with all that remained of his own essence. In the process he found "reservoirs of power" that he did not know he possessed, yet devoted all of it in his efforts to revive Rey. The despair and suffering of the galaxy that had taken everyone he loved away from him was overwhelming as he felt himself weakening. He thought of his parents, he would be joining them soon though. He would be able to leave all the pain behind. Though his biggest regret would be leaving Rey. He loved her. He didn’t want to leave her all alone but didn’t have any choice. Saving her was the greatest gift he could give her, to show how much he loved her. He felt slight movement from Rey, her gentle fingers, infused with warmth now, instead of cold, tentatively touched his. He could die happily now. He had saved her. His fragile, human heart beat one last time._

_Ben opened his eyes, willing himself to last long enough just so he could see her lovely face one last time, so he could tell her…_

_Only when he was able to focus his gaze, it wasn’t Rey’s face that he saw, it was his mother’s._

* * *

Leia Organa watched in alarm as the machine monitoring her son’s vital signs went haywire. She shot out of her seat, hurrying over to him. As she stood over him, she saw his face contort as if it was in pain. It had been three days since Han and the others had brought Ben back with them from Starkiller Base in the grip of delirium. He had lapsed into unconsciousness not long after reaching D’Qar. She and Han had been by his side ever since, taking it in turns to watch over him as they waited for him to regain consciousness. Major Harter Kalonia, the resident medic, had hooked him up to all sorts of machines in her efforts to work out what ailed him. Three days later and she was still none the wiser, she was beginning to think whatever plagued him was lodged firmly in his mind, physically he seemed strong and healthy.

“Ben.” Leia said in a strained whisper as she placed the palm of her hand on his hot forehead. “Can you open your eyes? Everything’s okay. You’re safe with us now.” To her immense relief she saw his eyelids flicker in response. He was waking up at last. She stroked his cheek gently, sitting beside him on the hospital bed as she waited for his eyes to fully open. “Ben.” She murmured again when they finally did and he focused his gaze on her face.

“Mom?” Confusion registered in his eyes as he looked up at her before realisation dawned. “I can’t be dead already! I just wanted to see her one last time. I just wanted to tell her….”

His desperate tears burst forth like water from a dam. Salty drops fell from his chin, drenching his shirt. He pressed the heels of his hands over his eyes, his body trembling. Everything was raw, raw tears, raw emotions. It was his tears that kept his soul alive in the furnace of his pain. Then he felt his mother’s arms wrap around him and he sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her jacket. She held him in silence, her own eyes glimmering with supressed grief as she reacted instinctively to his.

“You’re not dead, Ben. You’re alive.” Leia said eventually. “You came back with Han and the others from Starkiller base. Don’t you remember anything?”

Ben stared at his mother’s face in bewilderment, his tears drying up. His thoughts were a whirlwind of confusion. It was like his brain had a roadblock of sorts, because he had a sense of what she was saying, the faint entrails of a memory plaguing his mind. But the effort of holding onto that memory was too exhausting. He was aware that he was forgetting, that something else was close yet hidden from him, yet he couldn’t fathom what it could be. He didn’t understand what was happening to him and that was the most frightening aspect of it all.

“Who were the others?” He questioned hoarsely. “You said there were others with Dad.”

Leia stroked the inky black strands of his hair back from his forehead. “You don’t remember?” Her brow furrowed in concern. “I should get Harter.”

“Wait.” Ben shook his head, making it spin. “Can you just answer the question, please.” He clung to her desperately to stop her leaving.

Leia sighed. “Chewie helped Han carry you back to the Falcon. You were completely delirious.”

“Just Chewie?”

“No…. Finn and Rey were with them.” Leia said slowly. She peered anxiously at his face when it paled considerably. He looked like he was going into shock. “Ben? Ben? Talk to me.”

Ben was too far gone to hear her. The heart monitor flatlined as he ripped the wires off the skin of his arm and chest. Ben felt woozy as soon as he tried to stand. He was becoming more aware of his cracking headache and the layer of dehydrated saliva that coated his cracked lips. Once on his feet the room swayed almost causing him to lose balance and he reached out for the wall. His hand slipped along the high sheen metal and he sprawled onto the floor with a crashing thump. The room swirled before becoming stationary again and he used the hospital bed to pull himself to standing position again.

“Ben, please stay still.” Leia begged him. She was alarmed that he was trying to move so soon after regaining consciousness. There was something clearly wrong with his mental state. He was acting so strangely. “Han! Han!” She called out to her estranged husband, who was resting in the next room. “Han, get in here.”

“Where is she?” Ben slurred like a drunk as he tried to remain upright. The feeling that this had all happened before washed over him but somehow it wasn’t there in his memory. “Where’s Rey?”

Alerted by Leia’s desperate cries, Han finally came into the room, his sleepy eyes staring in confusion at his son stumbling around as if intoxicated with drink. “What’s going on?” He demanded as he dragged his hand through his greying hair. “How long has he been awake? Why didn’t you wake me up sooner?”

Leia became irritated by Han’s barrage of questions. “He’s only just regained consciousness. I’ve tried talking to him but he’s becoming increasingly distressed.”

“Go and get Harter. I’ll stay with him.” Han urged Leia as he focused his attention on his son. “Hey, kid, why don’t you sit down for a minute.” He said, reaching out with his hands to guide Ben back to the bed and stop him from toppling over.

“I don’t want the doctor. I want Rey. I need to see her. Where is she?” Ben’s heart began to throb painfully, the brisk temperature of the room made goose bumps pop up on his skin. The ache of familiarity, the sensation that this had all happened before, and somehow, he had forgotten, or the events had been erased from his mind. He looked at his father’s long face, filled with worry and concern for him. “Dad, will you help me?”

“Yes. Anything.” Han promised gruffly.

“I need to see her. Please.” Ben begged him. “I want Rey.”

Han locked eyes with him for a minute, puzzlement clear in his expression. Then reluctantly he turned to face his wife as he came to a decision. “Go and get the kid.” He told her. “I’ll stay with him.”

Leia raised her eyebrows at this request and shook her head. “No, Han. We can’t get Rey involved in this. Its not fair. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s a doctor he needs, not- “

“Sweetheart, just for once can you do as I ask. I’ve known the kid longer than you have. She can handle herself. I don’t know what’s going on with our boy, but it’s clear he’s desperate to tell her something.” Han cut in. “He asked me for help and I’m gonna do just that.”

Leia looked at her husband penetratingly for a second before her mouth drew into a thin line. “Fine.” She agreed. “Do you mind if I get Harter as well?” She added sarcastically as she turned to leave.

* * *

Just before it happened there was this vague sense of familiarity that washed over Rey as she walked into the room behind Leia. Déjà vu made her heart swell in her chest as she took in the hunched form of the man who had captured her and then interrogated on her on Starkiller base. She couldn’t equate that this was the same individual she had first crossed paths with. The eyes were supposed to be the windows of the soul, and when Rey looked into his, for the first time in her life she believed it was true. She saw his pain and his gentleness just the same. How his every emotion came together to form the art of his soul. It formed a picture she could see in an instant and comprehend with full depth. His eyes were beautiful, it was the truth, it wasn’t the colours or shape, it was the loving sweet essence that was so clearly there when he looked at her like she was the only one in the room.

Before she had time to ponder her confused thoughts and feelings, Ben left his father’s side and engulfed her in bear hug. The giddiness he felt from just the touch of her skin sent his mind spinning. With his primitive brain in charge and the flood of endorphins urging him to continue he was swept away in the moment with his girl, his love. He was intoxicated. He had so much to say, so much he had to tell her. Somehow, in that moment, he knew that it had happened some time before... he was living a moment that had already been lived. Everything was familiar again, but with it came an impending doom as he realised too late that he had run out of time…again.

* * *

“Supreme leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.” Kylo blinked in confusion as he looked up at the giant holographic image of Snoke in dismay. He felt like an actor, rehashing his lines from a well-rehearsed play. He predicted his master’s response before Snoke even uttered the words.

“If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.” Snoke commanded right on cue.

Kylo was totally unnerved when his prediction came true. He blamed his encounter with the scavenger. Stunned by the reversal-where the girl had turned the mental probing around on him, using the Force within herself to see that Kylo himself was afraid—afraid that he would never be as strong as Darth Vader was, had totally unbalanced him. He had left the interrogation feeling stunned and had sought his master’s advice, who had reacted with incredulity that a mere scavenger had been able to resist him. With renewed resolve, Kylo was on his way back to the scavenger’s holding cell, only to be informed that the girl had somehow broken out. The guard who had been ordered to watch her could not fathom how he ended up in his quarters.

Disbelieving of the guard’s weak explanation, Kylo returned to the holding cell, determined to find out if the girl had had truly used her emerging Force abilities to escape. Inspection revealed the interrogation bench was deserted, every one of its restraints left open as if to mock him. Enraged that the scavenger girl had managed to escape, he ignited his lightsaber in readiness to take out his anger and frustration on the inanimate objects in the interrogation room, but something inside made him pause. The same feeling of déjà vu that had overcome him when conversing with Snoke, overwhelmed him now. It was like he had done all this before, like he was following a well-worn path to nowhere. He switched off his saber and stared bleakly at his weapon as he reflected on the feeling.

Thinking back, it had all started when he first encountered the scavenger on Takodana. As soon as he had set eyes on her he had felt a vague sense of familiarity wash over him. There had been no recognition in her eyes like there had in his. Just seconds before he had spoken to her he knew that this had happened before and he could predict her next move only a millisecond before it happened. Feeling more unsettled than ever Kylo left the interrogation room, leaving it intact. As he left, he came across two passing stormtroopers and ordered them to be on the alert for the scavenger girl, compelling them to spread the word to the other First Order troops.

“When she’s found I want her brought to me unharmed. Is that clear?” Kylo paused as an odd feeling washed over him. Shaking his head, he mumbled, "Deja vu."

The stormtroopers quickly left to carry out his orders. None of them wanted to be on the receiving end of his wrath if the scavenger wasn’t found in record time. He began making his way through the base, knowing that the longer she was able to tap into her powers while escaping, the more dangerous she would become. As he moved swiftly through the base on his own personal hunt for the girl, another trooper reported sensor readings in Hangar 718, which meant the scavenger could be there. But investigations turned up nothing, increasing Kylo’s sense of frustration. He ordered every hangar on lockdown to prevent the girl from commandeering a ship. As he was in the midst of making that order, he sensed another presence that rocked him to his very core: Han Solo.

His father was on Starkiller base.

* * *

Kylo knew Solo had to be nearby, as well as the fact that he did not come alone. As Kylo advanced along the walkway he heard the sound of his father’s voice, calling out to him from behind, using his birth name. He froze mid-step, a slight shudder rippling through his body, the same feeling of déjà vu chilling him to the bone. He slowly turned around to face his father.

“Han Solo, I’ve been waiting for this day for- “

Kylo paused, he somehow knew this had happened before…. he was living in a moment that had already been lived. Everything was familiar in his eyes. Then in that fleeting moment of familiarity, all that might have been lived before deemed itself brand new. He saw Han Solo looking at him in concern, his face set in a serious frown.

“Ben.” Han said again, his voice reverberating like it was in an echo chamber. “Take off that mask. You don’t need it.”

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

Feeling uneasy, Kylo activated the mechanism in his mask and pulled it off his head, revealing his true face to his father for the first time in years. He heard Han’s sharp intake of breath as he dropped the mask carelessly onto the walkway beside him with a dull thud. They stared at each for a moment before Kylo opened his mouth to speak. “Your son is gone. He was weak and…” He stopped and shook his head as confusion set in. He had said all this before, hadn’t he?

“Ben.” Han Solo took a step toward him, his tone full of concern. “Are you alright?”

Kylo shook his head again, the midnight strands of his hair falling into his eyes. He brushed them away angrily as he attempted to regain his composure. What was happening to him? He felt like he was looking at Han through a vacuum. A feminine cry came from on high, right above an opening in the oscillator. He cast his gaze upwards and saw the defected stormtrooper FN-1827 standing on a platform high above the oscillator and right beside him was the scavenger girl-Rey.

Her name began to echo around his head on a loop-Rey, Rey, Rey, Rey-getting louder and louder with each revolution until it was practically being screamed at him. It took him a minute to realise it was his own voice in his head. He stared up at her and she stared right back, her hazel eyes showing bewilderment at the intensity of his gaze. The scavenger’s face was the only thing that registered in his mind and suddenly Kylo found himself running, running fast along the walkway in a desperate bid to reach her as a half-forgotten memory began to stir in the back of his mind.

**_A/N-thanks for reading!_ **


	3. Back and Forth

** You Are A Memory **

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

**_A/N-thank you to everyone who kindly read and reviewed the last chapter._ **

** Chapter Three-Back and Forth **

_Rey moved her head closer to Ben. He remained frozen, from both wonder and excitement. She leaned in, so her forehead rested against his. They closed their eyes at the same time. Both their breaths shaking. "Thank you," Rey said in barely more than a whisper._

_"For what?" Ben responded, his voice low and husky. Ben couldn’t believe that Rey seemed to be glad to be with him. In his mind he truly believed that he did not deserve acknowledgement or gratitude from her. After reviving her, he had expected her to just walk away and he wouldn’t blame her._

_“For saving me.” Rey’s voice wavered, exhilarated from the tension between them. And Ben suddenly realised she didn’t know what was coming next, what his sacrifice actually meant._

_Rey was unaware of Ben’s troubled thoughts; she was too caught up in the moment. She gently leaned in and kissed his warm lips. She let her mouth linger on his for a long time, unwilling to pull away. When she finally did, she took shaky, shallow breaths-a tentative smile took over her face as she waited out his reaction. She was immediately rewarded with his beautiful smile. His smile was one of happiness growing, she could see how it came from deep inside to light his eyes and spread into every part of him. Unable to contain themselves anymore, Ben reached out and held Rey’s head in his hands and pulled her into a fiery and passionate kiss. But it didn’t last, Ben could feel his heart slowing down. He was growing cold. His time was up. He saw the alarm on Rey’s lovely face as she pulled back and looked at his face. She was shaking her head slightly, moaning ‘no’ over and over again as it finally dawned on her what was happening._

_Ben tried to fight it in order just to stay with her a little longer. He had so much to say. So much to tell her…. but time was against him. He fell backwards and his eyes closed as his fragile, human heart beat for the last time. His final awareness was of Rey holding his hand as the Force beckoned him in welcome._

_Then something changed, he felt his fading body being pulled upright, Rey’s hand ripped out of his and she placed it on his chest and began to transfer her life force back to his body. Her eyes closed and her teeth gritted together with fierce determination as she fought to bring him back to life at the cost of her own…._

* * *

The half-forgotten memory exploded in Kylo’s mind in vivid technicolour. It was chaos in his head; he didn’t know what was happening. How did he get there? What to do? How to deal with it? His memory blurred again, the past or was it his future a fading dream and nothing to prove if it was real. He didn’t know anything, all that was left pounding inside him was a desperate need to get to the scavenger. His boots slammed on the walkway as he sprinted toward her, his father’s hailing voice falling further and further behind.

When Kylo reached the opening at the top of the oscillator he found to his frustration that the scavenger and the former stormtrooper had fled into the surrounding forest. Frustration built up inside him as he set off in hot pursuit. The wind howled around him, piling up snow in drifts, blinding the night with ice-white dust. The freezing wild held the type of coldness that reached into his very bones, as if his heart were a door left wide open to the icy wind, slamming only to open again.

It didn’t take Kylo long to find them. All he had to do was follow the clear imprint of their footprints in the snow as they made their way back to the Millennium Falcon which was nearby. He spotted their moving bodies in the distance and confronted them, lightsaber drawn.

“Its just us now.” Kylo roared into the biting wind as he watched the scavenger and the defected stormtrooper turn to face him. With one wide sweep of his arm he sent FN-2187 flying into a nearby tree using the Force. The former stormtrooper let out a loud groan as the back of his head hit the rough bark and he slumped comatose at the base of the tree. When his body hit the ground, the lightsaber that had been in his safekeeping flipped off his belt and landed in the snow at the scavenger’s feet.

A quiet gasp left Kylo’s mouth as he immediately recognised the weapon-it was the lightsaber that had once belonged to Luke Skywalker, and to Anakin before him. His dark eyes glowed as he reached out with the Force and attempted to draw into his hand. But to his astonishment it resisted his call and instead flew past him and landed in the scavenger’s hands. This action left him breathless with wonder. He stared at the young woman in awe as she ignited the weapon, holding it firmly in her hands as if it was her right to wield the lightsaber of Anakin Skywalker.

Kylo continued to stare at her as he kept his own blade pointing down at the ground. His breath was pale against the numbing air. He made no move to attack. He was completely entranced by the vital young woman standing a few feet away from him. He watched as she blinked furiously against the cold, the frost patiently kissed her face, captivated by the soft, dusty illusions of light that sat heavy on her eyelashes. She was beautiful, stunning, the loveliest thing he had ever seen.

Once again confused memories stirred in the back of his mind. As he continued to stare at the scavenger images began to swirl in his head-too many for him to capture, or even make sense of. But one thing was clear, she featured in many of them. Everything about her was mystical and magical. He was filled with a recognition that had plagued him since the first time he had tried to probe her mind.

“You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.” He found himself offering.

“Just stay away from me.” Rey clung to the glowing weapon as she began to retreat from him, her eyes clouded with tears and worry about her fallen friend.

Kylo heard the fear in her voice. Her hands were shaking and her eyes - wide, hazel orbs filled with anxiety – flicked from him to the unconscious stormtrooper lying in the snow. He advanced slowly toward her, making sure to keep his weapon trained on the ground so as to appear non-threatening.

“I can help you. Come to me.” Kylo extended one gloved hand toward her. When she didn’t move, he found himself begging. “Please.”

The scavenger’s brows drew together in a confused frown. She appeared completely bewildered by his offer, especially after he had just sent her friend flying into the tree. Kylo couldn’t understand the affect she was having on him. He felt drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Everything was so familiar and new about her all at once. His mind began to buzz and he shook his head to try and clear it. He focused his gaze back on the scavenger but she just looked at him warily, her weapon raised and poised ready to defend herself. Vague memories assaulted him, giving him a sense that he had lived all this before, or something much like it. But this time something was amiss, it was playing out differently. Something had subtly shifted, changed. As he tried to make sense of it, Kylo was already aware he was forgetting. He tried to get a grasp on his failing memory, but before he could comprehend what was happening, the charges that Han Solo and Chewbacca had set inside the oscillator exploded and his whole world turned dark.

* * *

_Drawing on all of her energy as well as the life force around her, Rey gave all of it to Ben in order to bring him back to life._ _The pain that once burned like fire had faded away to an icy numbness. Black filled the edges of her vision and the only thing she could hear was the sound of her own heartbeat. Her breath came in ragged, shallow gasps._ _Seconds passed, then, she heard his beloved voice._

_“Stop! Rey, stop!”_

_Rey was so exhausted she couldn’t even open her eyes to look upon his handsome face one last time. She could die happily now; she had saved him. The last thing she was aware of was Ben’s anguished cries as the Force beckoned her in welcome…._

_Then something changed, she felt her fading body being pulled upright as Ben hauled her onto his lap. He placed his hand over her abdomen and began to transfer his life force back into her body…_

* * *

“Supreme leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.” Kylo blinked in confusion as he looked up at the giant holographic image of Snoke in dismay. He felt like an actor, rehashing his lines from a well-rehearsed play. He predicted his master’s response before Snoke even uttered the words.

“If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.” Snoke commanded right on cue.

Kylo was totally unnerved as a sense of déjà vu washed over him. He searched his mind but where there should be memories was nothing but a blank space. It frightened him. He was desperate to escape Snoke’s cloying presence and return to the scavenger. It had something to do with her. He was sure of it. Ever since the girl had turned the mental probing around on him, using the Force within herself to see that Kylo himself was afraid—afraid that he would never be as strong as Darth Vader was, he had felt off balance. Like his world had somehow tilted on its axis. He didn’t know anything and felt so alone...with no hope... there was nothing but sadness and confusion inside his head. All he knew was that he was filled with a sense of desperation to get back to the scavenger, to find her, be with her, to tell her that he…that he what?

In less than five minutes he was back outside the holding cell, just in time to find the scavenger in the process of using the old Jedi mind trick on the solitary stormtrooper guarding her cell. As soon as her surprised eyes alighted on him, Kylo’s eyesight blurred, unexpected tears were welling up at the sight of her. Everything became fuzzy; then he saw nothing at all. HIs consciousness was floating through an empty space filled with a thick static. Throughout the inky space his heartbeats pounded loudly, echoing in his ears, alongside fading pleas for help. It was his own voice he heard, coming from far far away.

Kylo looked at the scavenger pleadingly. “I have to tell you…”

Tell her what?

His heart jolted in pain as she stared up at him in confusion right before he collapsed at her feet.

**_A/N-thanks for reading!_ **


	4. Jealousy

** You Are a Memory **

Disclaimer: all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

**_A/N-thank you very much to everyone who kindly read and reviewed the last chapter._ **

** Chapter Four-Jealousy  **

Kylo couldn’t deny how deeply fascinated he was by the scavenger. There was just something about her that intrigued him, which had little to do with her open defiance toward him. He quite admired her tenacity and her determination to outwit him. It wasn’t possible of course, once he probed her mind using the Force, she wouldn’t be able to resist him. Kylo was surprised at the odd reluctance he felt about interrogating her. This was new and quite unexpected. Instead, he took a gentler approach, hoping to somehow gain her trust. It was a ridiculous notion. He knew that. Still, he tried, beginning the questioning by talking to her in a soft, low voice.

As he suspected she would, the scavenger remained confrontational. Her every word and action an attempt to provoke him. She was daring in her boldness and again he felt the same sense of admiration as before. Her contempt and disregard for him made him more determined to break down her walls. Knowing how resilient she was, Kylo warned her that he could take whatever he wanted from her mind. He touched her face lightly with the tips of his gloved fingers and she didn’t even flinch at the contact. He found he had the urge to stroke the soft skin of her cheek and he frowned, chastising himself internally as he stepped back a few paces to put some distance between them. He watched as her brow furrowed in confusion as if she had somehow sensed his inner conflict.

Shaking his head slightly to clear it, Kylo reached out with the Force and began to probe her mind. The first thing he pulled from her head was her name: Rey. “Rey.” He breathed her name, expressing it like a lover’s kiss. The gentle cadence of his voice surprised him as much as her. He saw the bewilderment flicker in her hazel eyes momentarily before they clouded over and she scowled at him.

“Get out of my head!”

The aggressive way she spoke to him irritated Kylo. In retaliation he increased the pressure on her mind. Suddenly he was flooded with the loneliness and fear that lived deep down inside her. He taunted her with it, but derived no satisfaction when he saw the resentful tears flood her eyes.

“Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.” Kylo found himself admitting.

As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt a vague sense of familiarity wash over him. He felt like this had happened before, but the events were out of order somehow. He shook his head again, trying to stop the numbing sense of déjà vu from overwhelming him. The scavenger took advantage of his sudden lapse in concentration and turned the mental probing around on him, using the latent Force within herself to see that Kylo himself was afraid-afraid that he would never be as strong as Darth Vader.

“You…you’re afraid that you won’t be as strong as Da- “

The scavenger’s voice cut off before she completed her sentence. Their minds were still connected and Kylo was able to sense her every emotion. His heart began throbbing along with the tangled and confused feelings coming from the scavenger girl strapped to the interrogation chair. He fancied he could almost hear her mind singing-" _You know this! You've been here before, heard this before!"_

Kylo was shocked to his very core. He had been sincere when he had told her he felt it too. The ache of familiarity was so powerful, he began second-guessing those simple facts. It felt like a dream half-remembered. He had the queerest feeling that he'd lived through this moment before...

To his surprise, Kylo found his fingers fumbling to open the restraints binding the scavenger to the chair. He caught himself just in time, horrified at what he was doing. Shaking his head, he avoided the girl’s bewildered gaze as he hastily left the room with a renewed determination to seek his master’s advice before he succumbed to temptation and did something he would regret.

* * *

“Supreme leader, I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.” Kylo felt the barrier of impending doom weighing him down. The sense of déjà vu had him in a chokehold. He was already regretting coming to seek Snoke’s advice.

Snoke leaned forward and looked at him calculatingly. “If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.” He commanded right on cue.

_“No!”_

Kylo’s defiant refusal resounded loudly in his mind. He may not have said the word aloud but Snoke had heard it all the same. He watched as the Supreme Leader’s eyes flashed with anger. “You have compassion for her!” Snoke said flatly.

“No-never.” Kylo was defensive in his response. “For an enemy of the First Order?”

“I perceive the problem,” Snoke intoned. “It isn’t her strength that is making you fail. It’s your weakness.”

The rebuke hurt and Kylo barely had a chance to conceal his anger as his master once again demanded that he bring the girl to him without delay. The same flash of defiance threatened his self-control. He needed to escape his master’s presence before the Supreme Leader became aware of it. He left quickly, the same sense of déjà vu chasing him all the way back to the holding cell. He arrived in the midst of finding the scavenger girl using an old jedi mind trick she must have pulled from his head on the lone stormtrooper guarding her room. Kylo knew in that fleeting second of discovery that he could predict his next move. He swept the unfortunate stormtrooper to one side using the Force, barely registering as the trooper’s body hit the opposite wall and sank to the floor, unconsciousness.

Kylo noted the slight tightening at the corners of the scavenger girl’s eyes as she warily watched him approach her. Their gazes met and held long enough for each to take in the face of the other. Nothing needed to be said, Kylo knew she felt it, too. He found himself releasing the restraints that held her strapped to the interrogation bench. This time he didn’t stop himself. She slid gracefully off the bench and stood before him; her eyes watchful as she waited for his next move.

“I know you sensed it.” Kylo said to her. “The feeling of déjà vu? Rey?”

His casual use of her name seemed to unnerve her. He watched her eyes flick anxiously toward the fallen stormtrooper’s blaster rifle.

“Take it.” Kylo told her. “You’re going to need it. Once Snoke realises I’ve betrayed him, he’ll be after both of us. Its just us now.”

* * *

They made their way through the base, Kylo armed with his lightsaber and Rey with the blaster rifle. No one bothered them. Any trooper that caught sight of the Supreme Leader’s darkside apprentice striding toward them hastily turned in the other direction. Kylo’s sole intention was to commandeer a ship and escape from Starkiller base with the scavenger girl. He felt Rey’s watchful gaze on him the whole time. During their journey she had plenty of opportunity to use the blaster rifle on him, thus far she had restrained herself, but Kylo knew she wouldn’t hesitate to use it if he did anything remotely threatening.

As they made their way toward the hanger where several Tie Fighters were housed, Kylo was rocked to his core as he was interrupted by a familiar presence: Han Solo. His father was on Starkiller base.

Kylo knew that somehow this had happened before…he was living a moment that had already been lived. Everything was familiar in his eyes. For a fleeting second, he looked at Rey with full recognition. He knew who he was. What he had done. It was like he had awoken from a land of forgetfulness. There was so much he had to say, so much to tell her. But already he could feel the sense of impending doom as the ticking clock in his head reminded him that soon his memory would be stolen from him…. Again! “I’m Ben Solo.” He said to her desperately.

The answering look in her eyes showed she was afraid of him more than anything, particularly him. His odd behaviour was freaking her out.

“I’m Ben Solo. Search your feelings, Rey. You know its true.” Kylo pleaded with her. “You know.”

Rey seemed to look right through him as if he didn’t exist. He stared at her bleakly, pained by her rejection. It was only when he saw her eyes widen slightly in surprise that he realised that she wasn’t looking through him, but past him. She had spotted someone. Her face lit up with relief as she pushed past him and began to run…Kylo turned slowly, his hurt eyes following her every movement as he watched her run straight into the arms of the defected stormtrooper-FN-2187-and embrace him joyfully.

Kylo stared at FN-2187 with eyes filled with jealousy. He found his hand wandering to his belt, his fingers curling around the hilt of his saber. He would have drawn it if not for the sound of his father’s voice calling his name. “Ben!”

Kylo froze, his dark brown eyes slowly travelling in Han’s direction. The sight of his father unravelled him, breaking through his jealous fuelled haze. His hand dropped back to his side as his astute gaze took in the man who had sired him. “Han Solo.” He greeted Han flatly. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.”

**_A/N-thanks for reading!_ **


End file.
